There’s
no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend.
Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we
read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But
when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships,
we’re given no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s
magazines.
Yes,
it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been
mostly error.
But
part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into
our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational
romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of
tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventional
sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify
their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than
someone to share mutual emotional support.
A lot
of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women
are notfrom different
planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely
weren’t the best examples either.
Fortunately,
there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy
relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that
keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow.
In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered
“romantic” or normal in a relationship.
Below
are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think
are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you
hold dear. Get the
tissues ready.
1.
THE RELATIONSHIP SCORECARD
What It Is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when
someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the
relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what
I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has
screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other
one more.
You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party
back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because
there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK,
because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her
co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even,
right?
Wrong.
Why It’s Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops
over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in
order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of
suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re
ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into
feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually
spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the
other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time
trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each
other.
What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues
individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually
cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she
embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have
nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be with your
significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and
behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting
them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt
with it a year ago.
2. DROPPING “HINTS” AND OTHER PASSIVE-AGGRESSION
What It Is: Instead of stating a desire or thought
overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it
out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small
and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in
complaining to them.
Why It’s Toxic: Because it shows that you two are not
comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no
reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity
within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if
they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.
What You Should Do Instead: State your feelings and
desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily
responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If
they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.
3. HOLDING THE RELATIONSHIP HOSTAGE
What It Is: When one person has a simple criticism or
complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the
relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold
to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they
will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”
Why It’s Toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it
creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the
relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both
people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be
communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship
itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which
leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.
What You Should Do Instead: It’s fine to get upset at
your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal
human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a
person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like
everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be
annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who
are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only
without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another
in the long-run.
4. BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
What It Is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and
your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment.
They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got
distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and
just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.
So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and
callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing
about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel
better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on
your lousy emotional state.
Why It’s Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions
is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance
of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is
responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop
codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities
without checking with you first. All activities at home — even the mundane ones
like reading books or watching TV — must be negotiated and compromised. When
someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it
is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
The biggest problem of developing these codependent
tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me
once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention,
that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves
around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become
very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.
What You Should Do Instead: Take responsibility for
your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s
a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and
being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous
choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship
become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both
incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.
