[JOKE] Sex Drive

Sex Drive

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

((ÁUDIO))

Vocabulary Help

• sex drive - desejo sexual
• food - comida
• wedding cake - bolo de casamento

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

“Everyone loves jokes. They can be an invaluable source of entertainment and an excellent vehicle for presenting language in context and promoting genuine communication while having a laugh. As follows, we describe some useful techniques for exploiting jokes in class. Next, a number of TEFL-appropriate jokes are included and sorted by level.”

How to use jokes in the ESL or ELT Classroom: (Link here)

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

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[joke] Qualifying for Heaven

Qualifying for Heaven

((( ÁUDIO )))

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Vocabulary Help

• answer - responder
• bring (bring, brought, brought) - trazer
• crash - bater
• die - morrer
• garbage collector - lixeiro
• heaven - paraíso
• in order to - de forma a
• lawyer - advogado
• little harder - mais difícil
• make (make, made, made) - fazer
• movie - filme
• name them - me dê os nomes
• need - precisar
• Pearly gates - portais do céu
• quickly - rapidamente
• see (see, saw, seen) - ver
• ship - navio

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

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[JOKE?] Want a day off work?

Want a day off work?

(ÁUDIO AQUI)

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Vocabulary Help

• available - disponível
• away from work - fora do trabalho
• day off - dia de folga
• sick leave - licença médica
• spend (spend, spent, spent) - gastar
• take a look - dar uma olhada

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

“Everyone loves jokes. They can be an invaluable source of entertainment and an excellent vehicle for presenting language in context and promoting genuine communication while having a laugh. As follows, we describe some useful techniques for exploiting jokes in class. Next, a number of TEFL-appropriate jokes are included and sorted by level.”

How to use jokes in the ESL or ELT Classroom: (Link here)

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

Did you spot a typo?

Do you have any tips or examples to improve this page?

Do you disagree with something on this page?

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[JOKE] The wife is not speaking to me

The wife is not speaking to me

Ouça o áudio aqui (Here)

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

Vocabulary Help

• ask - perguntar
• bartender - atendente do bar
• couple - dois
• fight - briga
• for a while - por algum tempo
• guy - cara
• lat night - última noite
• night - noite
• talk - conversar
• think (think, thought, thought) - pensar
• what's the matter? - qual o problema?
• whole - inteiro
• wife - esposa
• worry - preocupar

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

“Everyone loves jokes. They can be an invaluable source of entertainment and an excellent vehicle for presenting language in context and promoting genuine communication while having a laugh. As follows, we describe some useful techniques for exploiting jokes in class. Next, a number of TEFL-appropriate jokes are included and sorted by level.”

How to use jokes in the ESL or ELT Classroom: (Link here)

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

Did you spot a typo?

Do you have any tips or examples to improve this page?

Do you disagree with something on this page?

Use one of your social-media accounts to share this page:

[JOKE] How much will this cost me?

How much will this cost me? (clique aqui para ouvir o áudio)

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Vocabulary Help

• pull - arrancar
• slowly - lentamente
• tooth - dente

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

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[JOKE] Must help the wife

Must help the wife

 

Click aqui para ouvir o áudio (ÁUDIO AQUI)

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Vocabulary Help

• attic - sotão
• boss - chefe
• count on you - contar com você
• haul - puxar, arrastar
• heavy - pesado
• house cleaning - limpeza da casa
• need - precisar
• reply - responder
• see (see, saw, seen) - ver
• short-handed - falta de gente
• stuff - coisas
• wife - esposa

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

“Everyone loves jokes. They can be an invaluable source of entertainment and an excellent vehicle for presenting language in context and promoting genuine communication while having a laugh. As follows, we describe some useful techniques for exploiting jokes in class. Next, a number of TEFL-appropriate jokes are included and sorted by level.”

How to use jokes in the ESL or ELT Classroom: (Link here)

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate. 

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much. 

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me! 

Did you spot a typo?

Do you have any tips or examples to improve this page?

Do you disagree with something on this page?

Use one of your social-media accounts to share this page:

[JOKE] Mommy Test

Mommy Test

(((Click here to listen to the story)))

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her hand I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, and you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs", I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom and make her day!

Vocabulary

beam - exultar

daddy - pai

daughter - filha

dirty - sujo

hand - mão

I get it - entendi

make her day - faça o dia dela

mouth - boca

off the ground - do chão

pick up - pegar

ponder - ponderar, pensar

put - colocar

reply - responder

smart - esperta, inteligente

smile - sorriso

stuff - coisas

take (take, took, taken) - tirar

walk – andar

PORTAL DA LÍNGUA INGLESA has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-partly internet websites referred to in this post, and does not guarantee that any context on such websites are, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

In some instances, I have been unable to trace the owners of the pictures used here; therefore, I would appreciate any information that would enable me to do so. Thank you very much.

Is something important missing? Report an error or suggest an improvement. Please, I strive for accuracy and fairness. If you see something that doesn't look right, contact me!

Your feedback is welcome. Please direct comments and questions to me at bruno_coriolano@hotmail.com

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[JOKE] The Toilet Seat

>> Clique here to listen to this joke <<

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

By Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

VOCABULARY HELP

• away - fora
• cover - cobrir
• distraught - aborrecida, chateada
• framed - emoldurado
• lift - levantar
• overcoat - casaco
• paint - pintar
• predicament - situação dificil
• rear - traseiro
• reply - responder
• show - mostrar
• sit (sit, sat, sat) - sentar
• stuck - entalar
• toilet seat - tampa da privada
• while - enquanto
• wife - esposa

 Check this video

Very funny joke you take X Men Female Doctor Heart: