By Kalli Damschen, Baylor University
William Shakespeare is widely regarded as one of
the greatest writers of all time, and his plays have entertained, inspired, and
instructed for centuries. One thing your high school English teacher probably
didn’t mention, however: Many of Shakespeare’s iconic plays feature risqué
humor, with crude jokes hidden throughout his works. Here are 11 of the bard’s
best dirty jokes.
1. TWELFTH NIGHT: ACT
1, SCENE 3
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
and spin it off.
In this scene, Sir Toby Belch and Sir Andrew are
discussing Andrew’s hair, which is apparently flat and lifeless. While Toby
uses the image of a woman spinning yarn from flax, the line is a rather
unfortunate double entendre. Essentially, Sir Toby is telling Andrew that he
hopes a woman takes him “between her legs” and that he contracts syphilis, a
disease which causes hair loss.
2. TWELFTH NIGHT: ACT
2, SCENE 5
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
great P's.
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
great P's.
Later in Twelfth
Night, a character named
Malvolio receives a letter that he believes is from his boss, Olivia. As
Malvolio observes the penmanship, Shakespeare explains why he thinks the letter
was written by Olivia and sneaks in a lewd pun. The line would be read, “her
very C’s, her U’s, ‘n’ her T’s,” and an Elizabethan audience would quickly
realize what he was spelling. He adds an extra punch line with “and thus she
makes her great P’s.” Shakespeare: A literary master of both dramatic
characterization and toilet humor.
3. HAMLET: ACT 2, SCENE
2
HAMLET
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?
GUILDENSTERN
Faith, her privates we.
HAMLET
In the secret parts of Fortune?
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?
GUILDENSTERN
Faith, her privates we.
HAMLET
In the secret parts of Fortune?
When Hamlet asks Guildenstern and Rosencrantz
how they’re doing, they say they’re indifferent. They’re neither at the top of
Fate, nor the “soles of her shoes.” Hamlet then jokingly asks if they live
about Fate’s waist, “in the middle of her favors.” Guildenstern agrees that
they’re around “her privates,” in the (ahem) “secret parts” of Fate.
Shakespeare certainly knows how to spice up the small talk.
4. HAMLET: ACT 3, SCENE
2
HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head upon your lap?
OPHELIA
Ay, my lord.
HAMLET
Do you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That’s a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head upon your lap?
OPHELIA
Ay, my lord.
HAMLET
Do you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That’s a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
By this scene, Hamlet’s going cuckoo for cocoa
puffs after his murdered father’s ghost appears, and he apparently decides to
deal with it by harassing his would-be girlfriend. His words become especially
obscene when one knows that “nothing” was Elizabethan slang for a woman’s lady
bits. Shakespeare also sneaks in a pun with the word “country”—just drop off
the last syllable, and you’ll see what he was going for.
5. A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S
DREAM: ACT 5, SCENE 1
PYRAMUS
O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!
THISBE
I kiss the wall's hole, not your lips at all.
O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!
THISBE
I kiss the wall's hole, not your lips at all.
This scene features a play within the play, and
characters are acting as lovers Pyramus and Thisbe. Perhaps more importantly,
another person is filling the role of the wall. Kissing “the wall’s” hole …
well, that is something Thisbe most certainly does not want to do.
6. THE TAMING OF THE
SHREW: ACT 2, SCENE 1
PETRUCHIO
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.
KATHARINA
In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?
KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail?
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.
KATHARINA
In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?
KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail?
7.
OTHELLO: ACT 1, SCENE 1
IAGO
I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.
I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.
Iago is informing another
character, Brabantio, that his daughter has married Othello, a Moor. Iago is
far from pleased with this turn of events, and so uses this unusually colorful and eccentric
image to
tell Brabantio. As a result of this scene, “the beast with two backs” came to
be a fairly common euphemism for sex.
8. TITUS ANDRONICUS:
ACT 4, SCENE 2
CHIRON
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON
Villain, I have done thy mother.
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON
Villain, I have done thy mother.
Chiron confronts Aaron, his mother’s lover, whom
he believes is responsible for ruining his mother. Aaron’s witty response is
perhaps the earliest “your mom” joke in history.
9. HENRY V: ACT 2,
SCENE 1
PISTOL
Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.
Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.
The word “cock” may not
have developed its current slang meaning until a decade or two after Henry
V was written, so
this might not have been an intentional pun. Either way, it was too good to
exclude. With the possible double meaning and such vivid imagery, Shakespeare
himself would have approved of this joke, unintentional or not.
10. MUCH ADO ABOUT
NOTHING: ACT 5, SCENE 2
BENEDICK
I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
buried in thy eyes.
I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
buried in thy eyes.
In Elizabethan slang, “to die” was a euphemism
for sexual climax, so Benedick telling his lover, Beatrice, that he will “die”
in her lap has less-than-chaste implications. It should also be noted that the
title of the play itself is a dirty pun; remember, “nothing” was an Elizabethan
euphemism for a woman’s lady parts. Oh, Shakespeare, you naughty thing.
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An introduction by David and Ben Crystal to the
'Original Pronunciation' production of Shakespeare:
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