Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

As you study for exams, remember it is not the quantity it is the quantity. And remember there is no substitute for pure unadulterated bull

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Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1.   If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2.   If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html

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[JOKE] Stolen engine

Stolen engine [listening]

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.

Vocabulary Help

• steal (steal, stole, stolen) - roubar
• blonde - loura
• drive (drive, drove, driven) - dirigir
• see (see, saw, seen) - ver
• break down - quebrar
• side - lado
• wrong - errado
• owner - proprietária
• have a look - dar uma olhada
• hood - capo
• engine - motor
• worry - preocupar
• spare - reserva

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

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[JOKE ] Stranded on an island.

Stranded on an island (listening)

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Vocabulary Help

• stranded - perdidas
• island - ilha
• brunette - morena
• redhead - ruiva
• blonde - loira
• mainland - continente
• shore - praia
• swim (swim, swam, swum) - nadar
• tired - cansada
• drown - afogar
• made it - conseguir
• starve - morrer de fome
• endurance - resistência
• in sight - a vista
• swim back - voltar

Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

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[JOKE] Vulgar jokes

Vulgar jokes (listening) 

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow."

Vocabulary Help

• joke - piada
• nasty - nojento
• walk out - sair
• got wind - ouvir falar
• plot - complô
• shortage - escassez
• stand up - levantar
• head for - ir em direção a

 Enviado por: Rubens Queiroz de Almeida

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Sex Pills

Listening (here)

Sex Pills

— "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..."

— "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

— The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

— "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

— "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

— "Um... Okay."

— The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

— His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... Too..."

Vocabulary Help

• awfully - terrivelmente
• dessert - sobremesa
• worry - preocupar
• drop - colocar
• shudder - tremer
• sigh - suspirar
• deeply - profundamente
• whisper - suspiro
• glitter - brilhar

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Sherlock Holmes

listening (here)

Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing stock. Here is one of those stories.

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris.

When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him:

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Doyle said:

"This is truly amazing. You are a real life counter part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

Vocabulary Help

• tales - histórias
• laughing stock - objeto de gozação, riso
• railway station - estação ferroviária
• flabbergasted - surpreso
• puzzled - surpreso, espantado
• skin - pele
• ink spot - marca de tinta
• clothing - vestuário
• amazing - surpreendente

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[Fawlty Towers] Manuel is practicing his English, much to the Major's confusion.

Fawlty Towers was perhaps one of the funniest TV show ever made. It took place in the eponymous fictional hotel. One of the funniest scenes occurred when Manuel, the Spanish bellhop/waiter practiced his English in a way that confused Major Gowen, an elderly resident who occasionally drinks too much.

The man who comes in towards the end is the hotel's pompous owner Basil Fawlty - portrayed by John Cleese the comedic genius who wrote the scripts. (written by Len Colby)

Fawlty Towers is a BBC television sitcom that was first broadcast on BBC2 in 1975 and 1979. Twelve episodes were made (two series, each of six episodes). The show was written by John Cleese and his then-wife Connie Booth, both of whom also starred in the show.

The series is set in Fawlty Towers, a fictional hotel in the seaside town of Torquay, on the "English Riviera". The plots centre on tense, rude and put-upon owner Basil Fawlty (Cleese), his bossy wife Sybil (Prunella Scales), comparatively normal chambermaid Polly (Booth), and hapless Spanish waiter Manuel (Andrew Sachs), showing their attempts to run the hotel amidst farcical situations and an array of demanding and eccentric guests.

In a list drawn up by the British Film Institute in 2000, voted by industry professionals, Fawlty Towers was named the best British television series of all time.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Fancy another video today?

Highlights of Basil Fawlty's fruitless battle to get some cooperation from the bumbling Spanish waiter Manuel.

Goalkeeper gets hit in the face by every penalty kick, but he manages to stand to the end.

How about some enjoyable moments in your lessons?

Watch this video and tell us what you think about it.

I would start a lesson with it.

This goalkeeper is a hero, isn’t he?

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[JOKE] A BLONDE ON THE SUN.

Would you like to have fun? Well, if you have answered YES. Let’s have fun! 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

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Birthday Short Jokes

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once!

Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

A: They were all born on holidays. Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age!

Q: What did one candle say to the other?

A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"

A: "No, only little babies."

Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

A: Because people kept toasting him!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?

A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?

A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?

A: A birthday pheasant!

Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?

A: He has a whale of a party!

Q: What did one candle say to the other?

A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: What was the average age of a cave man?

A: Stone Age!

Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?

A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?

 A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?

A: He shellabrates!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?

A: Musical Hares!

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?

A: Mice cream and cake!

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?

 A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age!

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A: Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Q: Why are birthday's good for you?

A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

Q: What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?

A: "What's eating you?"

Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?

A: When it's been sliced.

Q: What do you give nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?

A: It was a tappy one!

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?

A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?

A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?

A: It was a sappy one!

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?

A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

Soure: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/birthdayjokes.html

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